Imagine a fat glass of milk, floating in space.
Now, imagine the glass part is not there. You are looking at a well made entirely of milk, sitting in the middle of the cosmos.
No matter where you are on Earth, you can look up and see this well of milk. If you climb a tall enough mountain, or board a small enough plane, you can approach the milk-- you can touch it, smell it, or even take some.
Non-Attachment (Photo credit: Chicago Man)
While growing up I learned at a very young age to not expect much from people and from life in general. It was too painful to look forward to something and have it be taken away. It wasn’t that I was totally deprived, however my mother often verbally abused me and she gave me the message that I was undeserving. One of her punishments was that I was never allowed to have a Barbie doll because when I was very little I accidentally broke my sister’s Barbie doll. I didn’t know that Barbie couldn’t move in certain ways and so I tried to make her straddle a model horse. Of course her legs broke off. Even though my mother knew what had happened, she assumed that I had broken the doll on purpose. She declared that I would not get a Barbie until I learned how to take care of toys. Ironically I had always taken good care of my toys.
This may sound like I am being a little whiney about something that small, but for me as a kid getting this doll was really important because it represented my mother’s forgiveness. So it was a big deal to me. Year after year I waited and despite my taking very good care of my toys my mother refused to budge. She finally bought me a Barbie knock-off which was literally held together by rubber bands. So despite the fact that I did take good care of it, it broke very quickly. My mother did not buy me another doll.
So the message I got from my mother was that I did not deserve the kind of love and forgiveness that my sister had. Growing up I extended that feeling to the rest of the world. I didn’t make friends easily because I figured that they would hate me because I was such a horrible person. As an adult I was afraid to try new things on the job because of the fear of being judged. This resulted in me being in an entry-level job that I hated for twelve years. Dating was a bust because even in my one long-term relationship, I still didn’t feel worthy.
My approach for much of my life has simply been not expecting anything and then being surprised when I do get something. That actually sounds a bit spiritual since it resembles the words of the Buddha who taught equanimity and non-attachment to all things, both bad and good. But it is in fact very, very different from what the Buddha meant by non-attachment.
It is different because it is fear-based, It is based on the fear of disappointment and the fear that I am undeserving. Furthermore feeling undeserving is a guarantee that I will chase anything good out of my life. So this is not non-attachment. It is an attachment to an emotion, fear. It is also an attachment to guilt, the feeling that I deserve to be punished.
Simply put, it is an attachment to a negative result.
True non-attachment is based on the fact of the non-permanence of reality-things change. Therefore enjoy the good, but know it won’t last forever. Endure the bad because it will not last forever, either. And don’t see every apparent bad thing as necessarily being bad because you never know, it might actually have a good-long term result.
In my next post I am going to explore the relationship between non-attachment and the Law of Attraction.
English: The hidden beautyspot Far from the tourists at Glendalough we took a walk on a trail that had not been used for a long time and came across this beauty spot. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
In beauty may I walk.
All day long may I walk.
Through the returning seasons may I walk.
On the trail marked with pollen may I walk.
With grasshoppers about my feet may I walk.
With dew about my feet may I walk….
With beauty before me, may I walk.
With beauty behind me, may I walk.
With beauty above me, may I walk.
With beauty below me, may I walk.
With beauty all around me, may I walk.
In old age wandering on a trail of beauty, lively, may I walk.
In old age wandering on a trail of beauty, living again, may I walk.
It is finished in beauty.
It is finished in beauty.
June Is Bustin Out All Over (Photo credit: outdoorPDK)
Hi all! It will be my first anniversery doing this blog in June! So I am going to share some of my earlier posts with you this coming month in case you missed them. Here is the second half of my post My Bipolar Disorder: Curse or Blessing? (If you missed the first half you can read it here):
So in my last post I was talking about how we attract certain situations into our lives in order to learn from them. This has nothing to do with punishment or blame. It is about the Universe giving us another chance to get things right…read more here
This poem has been floating around for years but just in case you haven’t read it here it is again, a tiny, but powerful slice of wisdom:
Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
I
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost … I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.
II
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place
but, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
III
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit.
my eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
V
I walk down another street.
Copyright (c) 1993, by Portia Nelson from the book There’s A Hole in My Sidewalk. Reproduced with kind permission from Beyond Words Publishing, Hillsboro, Oregon.
Helloo!.. Loving the rainy weather… (Photo credit: *SeniHome Photos*)
Hi Peeps!
I want to let everyone know that I am still here, but have taken a few days off due to a really bad sinus infection. Silly me, I tried treating it on my own and got in really bad shape before going to the urgent care. Everytime I get sick it just makes it much harder to recover from my chronic fatigue syndrome/fibromyalgia. Also to those that I have been corresponding with on your blogs, I haven’t forgotten you! I’ll get back to you when I can. In the meantime, I am coming up on my one year anniversery writing this blog so I thought I would share an earlier post. Enjoy!
My Bipolar Disorder: Curse or Blessing? Part One
I have discovered in the course of my journey that life and psychic growth move in cycling spiral rings of descent and ascent. Every new growth in myself has been preceded by a descent of the seed into the dark ground.
Linda Shierse Leonard
I believe that I have been given the experience of having bipolar disorder for a reason. It is here in my life to teach me. Now that doesn’t mean I am a Pollyanna about it. Far from it…read more
Dear Em,
I know it's time for you to leave. To get out of the house. The time comes for everyone. It happened to Mandy last year and me the year before.
We can always tell when the date draws near. You become restless and unsatisfiable. There's tension between yourself and everyone in the family because you're just ready to move on to something new.
Sam saves Emily from drowning herself (2006). (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Well, it finally happened. I had my first “snark attack” on my blog. Frankly I am surprised that it has taken so long for this to happen since I do post on some controversial topics. Even though it was an unpleasant experience it did spark some thinking on my part. In essence, how do you explain your illness to someone without making it sound like you are making excuses for bad behavior?
In the article in question I made it very clear that having bipolar disorder does not give you a free pass. However what I was focusing on was that there are people who have bipolar disorder who experience a break with reality, including me. Any court in the land would not consider that person to be responsible for her behavior. Now the area gets a little fuzzy when it comes to medication compliance, someone who is not getting treatment may bear some responsibility for getting into the situation in the first place. Unfortunately, I lost a good friendship with a man who has schizophrenia because he stopped taking his medication. I ended up in a very co-dependent relationship with him, which ended badly.
Getting back to this comment she basically was angry with her bipolar husband and so all people who have bipolar disorder are evil and don’t take responsibility for their actions. Furthermore mental illness is not a serious disease, like cancer, so I should just suck it up.
I won’t get into my reply here, but you can read it for yourself.
What she missed was that this article was intended to help those who are perplexed by their loved one’s behavior. To let people know that the strange behavior has nothing to do with them. In other words, I was trying to comfort people who have been deeply hurt to help them understand that they are not at fault and also that most likely the person does not intend to hurt them or anyone else.
One of my deepest regrets is that I have hurt others through my suicide attempts. However I was not doing that to manipulate and punish them, it was to punish me. I felt everyone would be happier without me and that I didn’t deserve to live. At one point I was delusional and I thought God wanted me to kill myself.
When I have told some people this it has been because I want then to feel better, to let them know that I don’t blame them and to ease their minds. While my dad gets that, I have gotten a very negative response from some other people. They just see my well-intended words as excuses and that I had some evil intent to hurt them. I have even been accused of lying about my symptoms in order to get medications, even though they do not make me high and they are non-addictive.
When I get accused of not taking responsibility for my actions, that is not true. I have made changes in my life and I no longer act destructively towards myself or others. I have not made a suicide attempt in 14 years. I think this is the best apology that I can give, which is doing things differently. I didn’t have the skills to manage my illness in the past, now I do.
But I will not admit to having evil motives when I did not. I’ll take responsibility for my actions, but I am not going to roll over and be beaten up for the mistakes I made in my past. The fact is that I want very deeply to reassure them that I do not blame them for my illness, but they won’t accept it. That means that I am not responsible for their misery, because they are the ones who are choosing to hold onto it.
So what do you guys think? Do people react badly when you try to explain your illness to them? At what point do you think that maybe you were not responsible for your actions? At what point do you think you were? Please share.
"You cannot always control what goes on outside. But you can always control what goes on inside." - Wayne Dyer
Have you ever felt like you want more out of your life? Ever felt like you have no control of whats happening around you? Then this is the article that will help you gain positive perspective.
If you want more in your life…thats ok and that’s a great place to start.
Dementor (Photo credit: ap.)
In 1998 I wrote this poem when I was in the midst of my worst depression ever:
Darkness seeps in
Through cracks and under doors
Slowly drips down windows
Obscuring everything
It rises and I choke
On its acrid smokiness
Now logically I know that darkness has no substance in itself. It is just the absence of light. But this is what depression feels like. It is like some dark entity has taken possession of me. Not literally, like a demon, but it sure feels like it. If you are a fan of Harry Potter, then the feeling is like when the Dementors tried to suck the soul out of his body. They literally convinced him that there was nothing good in the world at all. If his other self, the one who had come from the future, hadn’t rescued him, he would have been lost forever.
Perhaps this “other self”, could be a metaphor for the Higher Self, the part of us that knows that this darkness and despair is not real. The one who can help us if we will let it. The one that sends the magical Patronus (animal protector) who charges to the
English: Harry Potter’s deer-shaped patronus Español: El patronus de Harry Potter Français : Le patronus de Harry Potter prenant le forme d’un cerf. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
rescue and restores us to sanity.
Of course, as with all fairy tales, things are usually not that simple. But they point us towards a truth worth considering: That our illusions are just that, illusions. Depression is not reality. Love and light are reality. Even if we can’t see it all of the time.
I had a strange dream a few nights ago. Someone who I intensely dislike told me that I was not alone. I angrily rejected that. I didn’t trust him. This is not something that this person in real life would have said to me, ever. However, with most dreams the images of those we don’t like are “borrowed” from the outer world to make a point. The man in my dream was a part of me, an unconscious ally. He was letting me know that I have more strength than I think I do.
Anyone else have any thoughts about this? Is there a part of you that knows that even in the blackest despair that it is not real? Please share.
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