attribution: None Specified
Support Keef’s Cartoons (for as little as $1 per month!) via PATREON!
I started this blog as an inspirational site. However there are times when I just don’t feel positive or even spiritual. Because of that I have not been posting much here. That may sound silly, but I do not want to bring people down. On the other hand, I am human and perhaps my pain can also serve a purpose in helping others. So today I do not feel “enlightened” Today I don’t feel God. Today I do not see myself as a”being of Light and Love” (as we all are). Today I feel like crap and I guess that is okay. I wrote this poem today:
The walls fall down
And it is just me
And screaming at the sky
Can she hear me?
I can’t get rid
Of the ugly image
She may hate me
But if you praise me too much
I hate it
Don’t want it
Can’t accept it
You don’t know me
And I won’t let you know me
I think I’ll ruin your life
I can’t bear the responsibility
I can’t bear the rejection
I think I am doing you a favor
By keeping to myself
What good am I?
Thank God I have no children
Thank God I have no husband
There is just me
And she is not good enough
Never good enough
Run away from me
There are times in a family relationship when it can’t be maintained anymore. But I feel that it is still my fault, because to be honest, part of it is. But apologies mean nothing unless I totally capitulate to her point of view, that basically I am a horrible person and therefore my position on anything is totally invalid. Because, you know, that “bipolar thing.”
She refuses to acknowledge that I have genuine concerns in this “relationship” Quotes because it really fell apart years ago. There is no relationship, unless it is totally on her terms.
I started the argument. So lots of guilt right there. But after a reluctant look at myself I realized that I was wrong and apologized. But not until after I got blindsided with a whole bunch of rules I should follow, based on grievances that I had no way of knowing about others that I thought had been resolved.
Like the fact that she openly agreed to an arrangement we had and every single time I asked her about it she assured me that she was fine with it. But she wasn’t and so she has a lot of anger about it and so one of her “rules” was that I should not expect that from her and that I apparently should have known that. What is wrong with her just saying “No” in the first place? I would have been fine with that. This has been an ongoing pattern in our relationship, but she will not take responsibility for it. I actually feel completely set-up by her. I go along thinking everything is fine until I get dumped on. And she completely mangled my motives for having this arrangement. I have gotten dumped on by both her and her husband for many years about how selfish and thoughtless I am (which it true that I can be that way, but not most of the time as they claim) but here I bend over backwards to make sure that everything is okay by asking her repeatedly if it was. I did not pressure her in any way.
Then I got a lot of verbal vomit about a situation that I thought we had resolved. She even accused me of things that I had not done. A while back she threw me out of her house over a minor misunderstanding. When I saw she was upset I kept calm and asked her what the problem was. I asked repeatedly but she thought I knew so she did not answer. She just threw me out with no explanation.
Now her version of this is that I yelled at her and that is why she threw me out. So therefore one of her “rules” is that she has the right to throw me out if I yell at her, Well I would agree that she has that right, but I resent the accusation because I took great pains not to yell at her. In fact I was completely and totally stunned.
After months of not talking she reached out to me and she even seemed to reluctantly acknowledge my point of view that the problem had been miscommunication on both our parts. Which is something I told her at the time.
Doesn’t that sound like an apology of sorts?
But now it appears that she still thinks it is my fault and it is not just about my supposed yelling incident but about everything.
I sent an e-mail to her saying that I am willing to abide by rules but that I did not appreciate the nastiness. Then I had a few rules of my own. That went over like a lead balloon!
You see she wants a relationship with me only on her terms. In fact she gave me a condescending figurative “pat on the head” by saying I sounded too upset, implying of course that my feelings were not worth listening to because “obviously” it has to do with my having bipolar disorder. So essentially only she has the right to be angry and make ridiculous accusations, but I am not allowed to respond. Ever.
She has taken a page from our upbringing. The only people who were allowed to have feelings were mom and dad. Actually my father was not hands-on so it was mostly my mother. I can only think of a few times where I expressed a feeling, only to be shot down. I went numb inside. At least until I had a nervous breakdown at sixteen.
Sometimes I wish I could go back to that numb state. But I digress.
My mother would often take a minor incident (such as my talking at the wrong time) and turn it into an “attack” on her. She would cry and ask me why I wanted to hurt her. At the time she started doing that I was so young that I actually thought I had wanted to hurt her somehow, even if I didn’t feel it. Because mommy was “always right.” Then one day it dawned on me that I did not have that motive so while I was grounded in my room after the lecture I started crying hysterically. My mother came to check on me and while crying I told her that I did not want to hurt her. She simply said that I was feeling sorry for myself and left.
Now I have forgiven her, but I am simply looking at the dynamics of what went on between us. And to be honest, I have treated people the same way in my illness. I am actually glad that I never had children, because I think I would have been a horrible mother.
So how much am I at fault for what happened between my sister and I? I did start the original argument but I did apologize. But it isn’t just me that is the problem and she refuses to take any responsibility for her actions.
Supposedly she is the “normal” person in the family. but she definitely has issues. Big issues. She is a very angry person, but in her mind I am the only one with an anger problem.
We exchanged a few e-mails but the last time she said she was cutting off contact. I told her that when she was ready to be honest with herself and take responsibility for her actions then I would be here. I don’t know if she read it but if she did I doubt that went over well either. But I am tired of this and I don’t really care anymore.
I have a choice. I can blame myself for the whole thing (which I have certainly done in the past) and become depressed and destructive to myself. I can blame her for everything wrong in our relationship (which I have done also). Or I can simply let her go like I have done in the past. She simply can’t be what I want her to be. Ever.
I could apologize until the cows come home and not only would that not work, but I would be giving away my power. She wants to be in complete control of the relationship. I don’t consider one person being in control as even fitting the definition of a “relationship”
I am exhausted from this and I simply can’t do this anymore.
I rarely ever bring up political news on my blog but this one really disturbs me. Recently in the news they have talked about the “record high” of people on disability insurance. Below I have an article from Media Matters refuting the exaggeration of the “problem” But first I will put in my two cents.
Since some mental health consumers get disability at least for a short time then we need to be proactive against those who would cruelly hurt the mentally ill (and in fact all disabled persons). And despite what conservatives say, it is not easy to get in the first place. There are very few cases of fraud.
One of the big reasons that more people are on disability is simply because we have an aging population. It is not right to judge simply on the basis of numbers. Or by the way a person looks.
Many disabled people get judged by others simply based on the fact that you can’t always see a disability. I have experienced that myself, having both bipolar disorder and fibromyalgia. The people closest to me can see that I am disabled. The average person could not. And mentally ill people do not all go around talking to themselves all the time or exhibiting other odd behaviors. They can seem quite normal, until they have a relapse. A client at the mental health center I used to work at had schizophrenia. He had a relapse and within less than a week he became homeless and destitute. He was fired from his job and kicked out of his housing because they thought he was on drugs. He was afraid to tell them the truth because mental illness carries a worse stigma than drug use.
THIS IS WHY WE NEED SAFETY NETS
That is a good example but still many people do not understand that bipolar and other depressive disorders are just as disabling (and some do exhibit symptoms similar to schizophrenia, I have.)
It really is just about impossible to keep a job if you are crying all the time, or are manic and behaving irrationally. Add to it loss of touch with reality and the odds of keeping your job are zero. I got fired from a job that I had kept for 12 years because I was depressed and out of touch with reality. I was behaving oddly and made an accusation against a co-worker that was due to the fact that I could not separate reality from non-reality.
This is not to say that mental health consumers can never recover and lead productive lives. But we have to be careful to make sure that if there is a relapse that they can get help. Currently the law allows those who relapse after going off of disability to have their benefits re-instated.
And there are some that may never be able to work at all and they should not be judged.
A good line to say to those who think that you are faking your problems is to say “You may not see my disability, but I can sure see yours!” ;)
This article is from Media Matters:
Two Charts That Show Conservatives Don’t Understand Disability
Conservative media hyped a misleading chart attempting to show that the number of Americans receiving federal disability benefits has reached unsustainable highs, comparing the figure of recipients to the population of random countries around the world. Accurate charts putting the figure in reasonable context, however, show that the number of needy Americans in this safety net program is astonishingly low.
On May 21 Fox News and the Drudge Report hyped the findings of conservative news site CNS which pushed the false idea that too many Americans are currently receiving Social Security Disability Insurance, stating that the number has reached “a new all-time record” and featuring a graph blasting the fact that more people get disability benefits than live in Greece and Tunisia:
There are also more people in the state of Ohio than Greece or Tunisia, but that isn’t cause for alarm. A more accurate graph showing the number of Americans who receive this necessary benefit shows that compared to the total number of Americans who have disabilities, and the total population of the U.S., relatively few individuals are on this government program:
Right-wing media have a history of misleading about federal disability programs as part of their campaign to deceptively portray the programs as wasteful and unsustainable. In reality, these programs have low fraud rates, are highly difficult to qualify for, and help the rising number of Americans with severe disabilities survive when they are unable to work.
UPDATE: CNS’ original chart is even more misleading than Media Matters originally noted. Their chart starts the y-axis at 10.4 million, rather than zero, exaggerating the difference between the number of disability beneficiaries and the populations of various random countries. For better context, we have updated our improved chart to show what CNS’ graph would look like if it included the full U.S. population at the correct scale and started the y-axis at zero: Read more…
Originally posted on Moorezart:
Wandering with no destination in mind,
my path crossed a second crooked path
winding its way
through a slanted forest,
beneath a tilted Sycamore
wearing a sideways nest.
A crooked path, barely there,
a slippery green way out of the crookedness.
Wondering with no answer in mind,
no map through the vertigo,
I leaned into a Frost dilemma,
with a slight but crooked smile *
* Reference: About Robert Frost’s poem “The Road Not Taken”
May is Mental Health Awareness Month and I have decided to do a series on resources that are available for those who are (sadly) having suicidal thoughts. One thing I always do when I am feeling that way is to remind myself that I have a sick brain that lies to me. Then I count in my mind all the people who would be negatively affected by my killing myself. I even count my cat! Caring for a pet has many mental health benefits. I do not want my cat to go to the pound where she might be put down.
I also tell myself that if I am still around then there must be a reason. I still have something to learn in this life, even of it is not apparent to me at the time.
And lastly therapy and support groups help me to put things in perspective and give me hope.
Anyway here is a good article I found listing tons of resources to help those who feel suicidal and those around them. Around 35,000 Americans die from suicide and one million attempt suicide in the U.S. every year. If you feel suicidal please get help!
Suicide And The Cost Of Life
Suicide is a major public health concern. It affects young and old around the world without regard for gender, ethnicity, education, or income. Individuals who are suicidal can feel lost, confused, hopeless, alone, and unworthy. Issues like a sudden breakup, chronic illness, an untreated mental health condition, and being unable to find work, can lead individuals to believing that taking their own life is the only solution for stopping their pain. Suicide, however, can be prevented. Everyone can learn to be an advocate to support themselves, a friend, family member, neighbor, or work associate to get the help they need by turning to suicide prevention resources.
The Alliance works to carry out the goals of the National Strategy for Suicide Prevention, a United States structured effort to halt suicide rates. Objectives of the plan include providing access to treatment and getting concerned citizens, businesses, researchers, and other sectors involved in the support process.
Suicide prevention professionals and volunteers will find training and accreditation programs, statistics, and current research useful for treating and prevention of suicides.
AFSP believes that the key to preventing suicide is encouraging openness in discussions and increasing research projects about and public education initiatives directed towards those in crisis.
Stay safe when dealing with thoughts of doing self-harm by developing a safety plan.
Articles, videos, crisis line information and other prevention resources designed for all current or past service members.
Use this guide for basic suggestions useful to those dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts.
Confused about what to say or do when someone you know appears to be suicidal? This mock conversation provides a look at what you can say and do to support.
This free toolkit is instantly available by download and address concerns of suicide among seniors.
Those who are concerned about the emotional state of a family member, friend, or associate will find the suicide prevention tips, warning signs, and do’s and don’ts discussed in this article make talking about suicide a little less intimidating.
Social prejudices that teach that suicidal individuals are being weak or selfish can stop those who need support from seeking it out. Communication, behaviors, and situations discussed here can identify those in danger of committing suicide and inform of ways to get help.
The Jed Foundation focuses on empowering college students to overcome suicidal thoughts.
This campaign addresses the methods used in suicide attempts and counsels on reducing access to highly lethal methods.
These data, reports, studies, and publications are useful in addressing and preventing suicides among youths and adults.
The NIMH offers access to publications about suicide prevention, statistics, and treatment information.
NOPCAS works to ensure that minorities are not ignored in suicide prevention interventions and strategies.
Lifeline delivers confidential suicide intervention nationwide to anyone experiencing a crisis at any time by calling 1-800-273-TALK (8255).
Those who are suicidal often feel as if they are alone. These survivor stories written by teens and young adults benefit those who are struggling realize there are others who have dealt with the same experiences.
There is never any shame in asking for help. Individuals thinking about suicide should read these coping strategies.
Journalist and others in the media can play a large part in preventing suicides and encouraging those at risk to get help through responsible reporting practices. These recommendations dissect how the media can positively increase awareness of suicide.
Having a safe and private way to speak to speak to someone who will be supportive and nonjudgmental can help to prevent suicide. The Samaritans offer this needed support by phone, email, text and in branch offices for those in the United Kingdom.
Teenagers just like adults can feel so overwhelmed and confused by the struggles of life that they consider suicide as an option. This society focuses on stopping teen suicides with information provided for teenagers, parents, and educators.
Those having thoughts of doing harm to themselves and those who do not know what steps to take when someone they love appears suicidal can use these resources from SAVE. Suicide facts, warning signs, and myths are addressed.
Find Information here on different suicide prevention topics including how to recognize depression in elderly individuals.
Everyone can play a role in aiding someone to not commit suicide. These customized fact sheets give an overview of suicide related situations that those in specific roles might encounter. Guidance on appropriate responses in these situations is also addressed.
These ideas are created to help prevent a suicide related death in just 5 minutes.
Greater understanding of suicide leads to earlier recognition of symptoms and timely intervention to save lives. 10 reasons not to commit suicide are also featured.
The Jason Foundation offers public workshops, training for professionals who work with youths, and information for parents to protect children.
Suicide and crisis intervention directed at youths and those who interact with youths dealing with issues related to sexual orientation. The Trevor Lifeline can also be reached at 866-488-7386 for immediate aid.
Reviewing the warning signs and risk factors associated with suicide can be helpful if determining if a teen you care about needs to get help.
Videos, posters, and other resources here expose the truth about youth suicides. Awareness of the warning signs discussed here and frequently asked questions relevant to kids, teenagers, and parents can aid in preventing tragedy.
This is alert from SAMHSA (The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration)
More than half of all adults with serious thoughts of suicide do not receive mental health services
Slightly more than half (51.8 percent) of the 8.6 million American adults who had serious thoughts of suicide in the past year did not receive mental health services according to a new report by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA).
SAMHSA’s report shows that among those who had serious thoughts of suicide and did not receive treatment, nearly three out of four did not perceive the need for treatment.
Each year more than 35,000 reported deaths are attributed to suicide and studies have indicated that those who have serious thoughts of suicide are at increased risk of suicide attempts and eventual death by suicide.
“Suicide is among one of our nation’s most preventable causes of death and it devastates the lives of countless families and friends left behind,” said Paolo del Vecchio, director of SAMHSA’s Center for Mental Health Services. “The earlier we can reach out to people in crisis with needed mental health services, the more lives we can save, and the more people we can help return to happy, productive lives.”
The SAMHSA-sponsored toll free National Suicide Prevention Lifeline –1-800-273-TALK (8255)– provides 24/7, year round immediate confidential counseling for people in crisis or for people who are concerned that someone they know may be in crisis. The Lifeline can also be accessed online at http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org.
The report, Half of Adults with Serious Thoughts of Suicide Do Not Receive Mental Health Services, is available at:
It is drawn from data from SAMHSA’s National Survey on Drug Use and Health, an annual survey of 67,000 Americans from across the country.
Additional info on SAMHSA’s suicide prevention programs and other resources is available at http://www.samhsa.gov/prevention/suicide.aspx.
For further information SAMHSA programs please go to: http://www.samhsa.gov/
The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) is the agency within the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services that leads public health efforts to advance the behavioral health of the nation. SAMHSA’s mission is to reduce the impact of substance abuse and mental illness on America’s communities.
Originally posted on Soul Healing Art:
I asked God for strength-
I was given trials
So that I may realize
The strength that lay within me.
I asked God for forgiveness-
I was given wounds
So that I may realize
The forgiveness that lay within me.
I asked God for hope-
I was given challenges
So that I may realize
The hope that lay within me.
I asked God for passion-
I was given failures
So that I may realize
The passion that lay within me.
I asked God for union-
I was given isolation
So that I may realize
The union that lay within me.
I asked God for peace-
I was given suffering
So that I may realize
The peace that lay within me.
All these and more
I asked for
And God provided
That I may know-
The strength, passion,
peace, hope, and love
“Look into your own heart, discover what it is that gives you pain and then refuse, under any circumstance whatsoever, to inflict that pain on anybody else.” ~ Karen Armstrong
“When you plant lettuce, if it does not grow well, you don’t blame the lettuce. You look for reasons it is not doing well. It may need fertilizer, or more water, or less sun. You never blame the lettuce.
Yet if we have problems with our friends or family, we blame the other person. But if we know how to take care of them, they will grow well, like the lettuce.
Blaming has no positive effect at all, nor does trying to persuade using reason and argument. That is my experience. No blame, no reasoning, no argument, just understanding. If you understand, and you show that you understand, you can love, and the situation will change” ~ Thich Nhat Hanh
“I truly believe the seeds of greatness can be found in every human heart…we just have to support and help each other to grow into the very best we can be, and teach love…” ~ Harula of http://wordsthatserve.wordpress.com/
“Kindness. Easy to to. Easy not to do. Choose the latter, no one will notice. Choose the former and lives may change!” ~ Julian Bowers Brown
“I respect kindness in human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don’t respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper and the old men and old women warmer in the winter and happier in the summer.” ~ Brendan Behan
“It’s much easier to be cruel than one might think.” ~ Jonathan Safran Foer
“Love and kindness is the only way to be really human.” ~ Ralph—> http://bluefishway.com/
“You should give to others in every way you see… expect absolutely nothing from anyone. It should be your goal to love every human you encounter. All human suffering that you’re aware of and continues without your effort to stop it becomes your crime.” ~ Louis CK.
“…treat people with understanding when you can, and fake it when you can’t until you do understand.” ~ Kim Harrison
“progress isn’t whether we add more to the abundance of those who have much its whether we provide enough for those who have to little” ~ F.Roosevelt
“We must learn to regard people less in the light of what they do or omit to do, and more in the light of what they suffer.” ~ D.Bonhoeffer
“People shouldn’t have to earn kindness. They should have to earn cruelty.” ~ Maggie Stiefvater
A wise woman who was traveling in the mountains found a precious stone in a stream. The next day she met another traveler who was hungry, and the wise woman opened her bag to share her food. The hungry traveler saw the precious stone and asked the woman to give it to him. She did so without hesitation. The traveler left, rejoicing in his good fortune. He knew the stone was worth enough to give him security for a lifetime. But a few days later he came back to return the stone to the wise woman.”I’ve been thinking,” he said, “I know how valuable the stone is, but I give it back in the hope that you can give me something even more precious. Give me what you have within you that enabled you to give me the stone.” “The Wise Woman’s Stone” ~ Author Unknown
“All the big words –virtue, justice, truth, …– are dwarfed by the greatness of kindness” ~ Stephen Fry
“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, “Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” ~ Fred Rogers
“Kindness” covers all of my political beliefs. No need to spell them out. I believe that if, at the end, according to our abilities, we have done something to make others a little happier, and something to make ourselves a little happier, that is about the best we can do. To make others less happy is a crime. To make ourselves unhappy is where all crime starts. We must try to contribute joy to the world. That is true no matter what our problems, our health, our circumstances. We must try. I didn’t always know this and am happy I lived long enough to find it out.” ~ Roger Ebert
“Being kind doesn’t mean being gullible.” ~ Aniket Jawale
“Beginning today, treat everyone you meet as if they were going to be dead by midnight. Extend to them all the care, kindness and understanding you can muster, and do it with no thought of any reward. Your life will never be the same again”. ~ Og Mandino
As the bus slowed down at the crowded bus stop, the Pakistani bus conductor leaned from the platform and called out, “Six only!” The bus stopped. He counted on six passengers, rang the bell, and then, as the bus moved off, called to those left behind: “So sorry, plenty of room in my heart – but the bus is full.” He left behind a row of smiling faces. It’s not what you do, it’s the way that you do it. ~ The Friendship Book of Francis Gay, 1977
“Kind hearts are the gardens,
Kind thoughts are the roots,
Kind words are the blossoms,
Kind deeds are the fruits”
~ 19th century rhyme used in primary schools
“A bit of fragrance always clings to the hand that gives roses”. ~ Chinese Proverb
“The true meaning of life is to plant trees, under whose shade you do not expect to sit”. ~ Nelson Henderson
A good character is the best tombstone. Those who loved you and were helped by you will remember you when forget-me-nots have withered. Carve your name on hearts, not on marble. ~ Charles H. Spurgeon
Today, give a stranger one of your smiles. It might be the only sunshine he sees all day. ~ Quoted in P.S. I Love You, compiled by H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
Treat everyone with politeness, even those who are rude to you – not because they are nice, but because you are. ~ Author Unknown
If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion. ~ Dalai Lama
During my second year of nursing school our professor gave us a quiz. I breezed through the questions until I read the last one: “What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?” Surely this was a joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times, but how would I know her name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Before the class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our grade. “Absolutely,” the professor said. “In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say hello.” I’ve never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy. ~ Joann C. Jones
How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and strong. Because someday in your life you will have been all of these. ~ George Washington Carver
Real generosity is doing something nice for someone who will never find out. ~ Frank A. Clark
One can pay back the loan of gold, but one dies forever in debt to those who are kind. ~ Malayan Proverb
Being considerate of others will take your children further in life than any college degree. ~ Marian Wright Edel
Visit The Kindness Blog